im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
