There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
