I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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