Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
