Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
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