I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
