You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
