my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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