It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
