i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
