i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
And then he peed in my hair
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