if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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