I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We are all done wearing pants today
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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