you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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