Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
