his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
