Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
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