totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
