So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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