im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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