We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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