Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Randomize
