I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
