am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
