It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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