My friends, they love my intelligence
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
