connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
