Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
