sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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