I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
