Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
