Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I will die if light touches me.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
