It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
