the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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