Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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