I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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