My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
