I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
