I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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