Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
