i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
