I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
