I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
