sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
