My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize