I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Can you repeat that, but with context?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
