someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize