can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
