Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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