My liver just broke up with me...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
