I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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