Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
