you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
