Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
