dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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