2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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