I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
