is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
