I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
