All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
