Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize