I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
