Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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