i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
