epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
